By Ben Knight

Sometimes, something happens that just can’t happen on its own. You see it, your brain rejects it, and you leap up, point and shout “Aha!”

(Or Yoiks!, Streuth!, Hands off the creampuffs, Molly!, or the ever-popular Gotcha!)

No, I’m not talking about match-fixing. Haven’t even given that cursed subject a blessed thought since the World Cup kicked off. I’m talking about something far less likely, and infinitely more … subtle.

Let us shift the scene to a sumptuous hotel suite in some exotic city, pretty much any time in the past couple of years. The sleepy man in the Ebeneezer Scrooge nightdress is FIFA president Sepp Blatter.

The ghost appears, wearing an old, red soccer jersey with the number 10 on the back.

Blatter: Who … who goes there?

Ghost: A friend.

Blatter: I have no friends.

Ghost: No, but your level of self-awareness is higher than I thought.

Blatter: Stop right there. Don’t make me sic Jack Warner on you.

Ghost: I am a spirit, Sepp. There is nothing you can do to harm me.

Blatter: What do you want?

Ghost: To set you straight.

Blatter: You couldn’t afford it.

Ghost: Money means nothing to a ghost, Sepp. Although I fear it will to you when your time comes.

Blatter: What’s this about, anyway? If not money ….

Ghost: Instant replay.

Blatter: (Coughs, sputters, shakes head, pops eyes) Instant replay?

Ghost: Yep. It’s time.

Blatter: But the purity of the game!

Ghost: Save that wheeze for the press corps, Sepp. I know you far too well for that.

Blatter: If replay was about money, we’d have it by now. I assure you, there’s been no shortage of offers.

Ghost: I don’t care why. I’m just here to tell you what’s going to happen if you don’t let video cameras help out with goal/no goal decisions.

Blatter: You’re threatening me?

Ghost: Promising you.

Blatter: Promising … what?

Ghost: Sepp, what if I told you England and Germany are going to meet in the 2010 World Cup?

Blatter: It’s certainly possible, but no one knows for sure.

Ghost: I do.

Blatter: How?

Ghost: I just got back from the game. 4-1 to Germany – and you’re about to tell the world you’re rethinking video replay.

Blatter: Impossible! Nothing could do that!

Ghost: Do you recognize this shirt I’m wearing, Sepp?

Blatter: Red. Old. Are those three lions on the crest?

Ghost: England. 1966. Do you recognize the number on the back.

Blatter: 10. So?

Ghost: Geoff … Hurst.

Blatter: Oh, even I know that one! Scored the winning goal against Germany in extra time at Wembley. The ball came down off the crossbar, and probably didn’t go over the line. All the pro-replay fools point to that one.

Ghost: Very good.

Blatter: So what?

Ghost: It’s going to happen again. Frank Lampard for England, and this one’s going in. The ref won’t see it, the goal doesn’t count, and Germany wins 4-1.

Blatter: …

Ghost: And the whole world sees the instant replay.

Blatter: That would be … awkward.

Ghost: Awkward? Wait till you see the look on Lampard’s face! Eyes imploring, heart stopped – gotta be one of the great soccer photos of the decade.

Blatter: England-Germany, ball off the bar, blown call ….

Ghost: Again.

Blatter: You can’t.

Ghost: I did.

Blatter: But why?

Ghost: The world has changed, Sepp. People want what they can see with their eyes. Your refs have a lot of ground to cover. They can’t see everything.

Blatter: So I’ll put extra refs beside the nets.

Ghost: And one day, one of them will blow a call, and you’ll look like ….

Blatter: Don’t say it.

Ghost: Hey, just because I can see and change the future doesn’t mean I can adequately complete that sentence.

Blatter: Well, what about offside calls?

Ghost: Well, that comes up in a different game the very same day. Different issue, though, because you can’t reverse it if the flag comes up when it should have stayed down.

Blatter: We’re splitting hairs.

Ghost: Yes, but there may be hyper-pedantic witnesses to our chat – if anyone ever writes it up.

Blatter: Whoever you are, I cannot believe such a thing will ever happen. Sure, a ball will come down off a crossbar soon, and that’s always a tough call. But England, against Germany? Impossible.

Ghost: It’s already happened, Sepp. You just haven’t passed through that time yet.

Blatter: This is nonsense. I am dreaming. You are not real. Replay is out. Case closed.

Ghost: So be it, Sepp. When it happens, you will know.

Blatter: IT WILL NOT HAPPEN!!

Ghost: So, I guess there’s no point in me telling you what fate’s got lined up for Jack Warner in 2013?

Blatter: (Is it good?)

Ghost: (Could be.)

The ghost vanishes. Blatter refuses to allow replay. England and Germany are drawn in adjacent groups, and face each other in the round of 16.

Onward!